The Middle Years and Feeling Inadequate

Maybe I’m having a fifth life crisis.

Everything feels very big and serious and important in my head.

Up until about a year ago, everyone I knew was doing more or less the same thing – we all had different hobbies and interests, but we spent the majority of our day in the same place: the public school we had attended for 12 years. It feels like now is the first time that we are really making our own choices, and that those choices are affecting our futures. This makes me feel like every choice I make is magnified, and if it’s not going to help me reach my goal, why bother?

I’m not even really sure what my goal is. I want to be a writer. I want to be a part of the music industry, maybe as a publisher. I want to travel aimlessly and do odd jobs to get me by, like a pre-Titanic Jack Dawson. I want to do everything and nothing all at once. Most of all, I want to create something that resonates with other people.

Something tells me that if I don’t focus on the future, I’ll get behind my (mostly imaginary) competitors and never reach their level of success. How messed up is that?

I’ve got it in my head that if I want to be successful, I need to do everything now. It doesn’t matter how many people tell me this is not the case (trust me, they have tried); it will always be in the back of the mind, affecting every decision I make. I’m caught in a cycle of doing too much and feeling like I’m not doing enough.

What kind of future do I even want? I could get a nice office job in finance (or something equally normal) and a picket fence and raise kids in the suburbs. I could move abroad and learn to live life in a new language. I could move to LA and chase fame and dye my hair bleach blonde. I could join the army. I could spend all my money on booze and drink myself into oblivion. The scary part is that any choice I make now limits the choices I will be able to make in the future.

I hate wishing my life away as much as I hate living in the past- I think both are very unhealthy. I love where I am right now, but I feel this sense of urgency to do something big and exhilarating. I want to create something that makes an impact on the lives of other people and makes them think and feel. Something bigger than myself. I think I have the potential and the work ethic to do it, but I’m still waiting on an idea that I can stand behind for more than five minutes. I feel like my life is on hold until I find it.

Right now, I’m just working on finding my voice and cultivating a platform to make it heard. That is a very vague goal, but I’m doing my best.

That was a lot of feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings, here, watch this!

P.S. I went to Brazil for two weeks. It was cool. I know I should talk about it and tell more stories from it, but they are doing quite well in my head so I think I’ll keep them there for a little longer if you’ll forgive me.

Here are some pictures, starting with a kick-ass Jesuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus (also known as Christ the Redeemer) :

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